How to Include Everyone at Church in Three Easy Steps

Ok, the “easy” part of the title is a lie, but it made you look, right? Think of it as newsletter clickbait…
The struggle of making a church open and hospitable to all is one that has lasted for millennia. In fact, it was a major source of struggle for the Apostle Paul in about 17 different letters. But keep reading! While there are not three easy steps, there are some helpful theological tenets for making worship a place where everyone can get a bit of what they need.
This article arises out of many conversations I’ve had recently about how to be welcoming to families with young children and people in need of hearing assistance in church while also allowing everyone to hear, focus, and commune with God. If you think it’s just addressed to you, trust me, it’s not. People on every side have felt unwelcomed, some to the point of leaving church, and that is heartbreaking. Here is my best attempt at guidance on this difficult subject:

1.       Worship is more than words and music

It is vital that people who come to worship be able to read and speak the prayers, sing the songs, enjoy the special music, and (if they don’t get put to sleep by it) hear the sermon. But all of that, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13, is but “a noisy gong or clanging cymbal” if we do not have love. Love in church is not just the words and prayers, but the whole experience.  It is being greeted with a smile, having someone help you find a bathroom if you need it, being asked if you need help, having your concerns be remembered, giving of yourself to God and others, and being called by name. This is why we pass the peace of Christ each week: we cannot enter worship fully until we have engaged in a forgiving, loving exchange with those around us. God is present more in the people than in the words or music. Thus, if something happens that keeps you from being able to hear or see something, it might help to turn your focus to those around you, give a smile, offer a hand (without offering advice or shushing!). I promise God will be present in those interactions.

2.       Just like there are a variety of gifts, there are a variety of needs

A famous passage from Paul is 1 Corinthians 12:14-20:  Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot were to say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body’, that would not make it any less a part of the body… If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be?… If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body.
The shadow side of this beautiful description is that each part of the body has different needs in addition to its different gifts. Ears collect earwax; hands need regular washing; feet need their toenails trimmed. So it is that when the different members of the body come to worship, we bring our different needs:

• Children tend to need a bit more movement (which is why we have rocking chairs and a play area in the rear of the sanctuary); adults need to not have their pews kicked by children (taking off a kid’s shoes in church can do wonders to help this!).
• People for whom English is not a first language or who struggle to hear may need things repeated or translated in a whisper; people who struggle to stay attentive may find those whispers incredibly distracting.
• People whose lives are busy and stressful may seek peace and quiet; people who are alone all week may be looking forward to engaging in many ways.

We all need to feel loved and accepted as one of God’s children. We all need to hear God’s Word, to pray, and to sing.
So, how to we accommodate all these needs? With God’s help, of course, and a lot of grace.  But here are some concrete suggestions, too:
The general rule of worship etiquette is that I can do whatever I want during worship until what I do keeps another person from being able to worship.

• If we whisper loudly, they can’t hear.
• If we don’t stay in our seat, they can’t pay attention to the preacher.  
• If we frown at them and their children, they do not feel like God’s loved children who are welcome in the sanctuary.
• If we sit near the children’s worship corner or the back of the sanctuary as parents are walking with their kids and complain about children’s noises, we have set ourselves up for disappointment.
• If we sit far away from the children’s worship corner, there is a greater burden of responsibility to keep quiet.
• A cell phone making loud noises will disrupt worship, but a silenced cell phone used to video a song may be a great evangelism tool.

Parents can’t expect all the adults in the room to give up their need to worship to accommodate a disruptive child for a long time. (Good news! The speakers in the narthex/lobby/vestibule have been fixed, so noisier children can be there and parents can still see the service. We are working on getting a video feed in the new nursery, too.)  Non-parent adults can’t expect children to not be children in the sanctuary, and we do want them in the sanctuary because they are part of the body. 
It takes all of us working together to make worship worshipful for all of us.

3.       Engaging the other is at the heart of the Gospel

Above all, God is in the relationships we build. A friend of mine once told me a lesson she learned that, when someone is being really annoying, go and sit next to them.  That way, you don’t have to look at them (!), but it also helps you realize quickly how much you have in common. Alternatively, know what your needs are and do what you need to do to meet them in a way that doesn’t keep others from being able to worship. If you ever want help thinking through this in your particular situation, I’d love to talk about it.
Jesus was very clear in his mission to widen the scope of God’s love beyond rules of etiquette. But he also encouraged people to turn all their energy to the love of God and neighbor. If we all keep that as our goal and work to have a forgiving heart when it goes awry, we will have the welcoming church of our dreams.
As always, I am deeply grateful to be in this love business with you,
Rev. Rachel
(Much of this article was inspired by Carolyn C. Brown’s blog entry: “Worship Etiquette” on Worshipping With Children, http://worshipingwithchildren.blogspot.com/2013/08/worship-etiquette.html She has more great suggestions there if you want to keep reading!)